Polyamory: A Brilliant Idea, Until It’s Not

Polyamory is an idea that sounds great on paper but is pretty hard to pull off in real life. It’s about being in love with and having deep emotional and physical connections with multiple people at the same time, without jealousy or competition. In an ideal world, everyone involved would be completely secure in themselves, emotionally intelligent, and fully capable of handling this kind of relationship dynamic. Instead of feeling possessive or threatened, they’d genuinely feel happy seeing their partners bond with each other. But let’s be real, most people aren’t wired that way. Society has conditioned us to think of love in terms of exclusivity, and breaking out of that mindset isn’t easy.

For polyamory to actually work, you need a certain kind of emotional maturity that most people just don’t have. You need to be self-aware, reflective, and completely comfortable with yourself. It’s about knowing who you are, being open to growth, and having the ability to communicate honestly without ego or insecurity getting in the way. But let’s face it, most people struggle with just one relationship, let alone multiple. Jealousy, insecurity, and possessiveness are deeply ingrained in human nature, and overcoming them takes real effort. That’s why ethical polyamory isn’t common. The emotional skillset required is pretty rare.

Another big reason why polyamory isn’t widespread is the way power is distributed in society. Historically, men have had more power, and that has shaped the way relationships function. In many cases, when polyamory does happen, it’s usually one man with multiple women rather than the other way around. This creates a situation where women don’t have the same opportunities for multiple partners, and instead, they often end up in a system that benefits men more than them. That’s a major reason why polyamory, as it stands today, doesn’t always feel fair or balanced. Until there’s a cultural shift where more men develop the self-awareness and emotional maturity to engage in equal, non-possessive relationships, polyamory isn’t going to work the way it should.

That said, polyamory could actually be the next step in human relationships. It challenges the old ideas of ownership in love and instead promotes deeper emotional connections based on trust, understanding, and true companionship. Imagine a world where people love without limits, where relationships are built on honesty and emotional security rather than exclusivity and fear of loss. It would mean fewer breakups, less heartbreak, and a more open way of experiencing love. But for that to happen, we need to evolve, both emotionally and socially. Right now, monogamy remains the most practical and fair relationship model because it’s the one that ensures stability and equality in a world where most people aren’t ready for something more complex. But maybe one day, when we’ve grown as individuals and as a society, polyamory will become a more natural and accepted way of loving.

Sidenote-

I personally think that a husband and wife can have extramarital affairs or sexual relationships with other people and it really shouldn’t be anyone’s business to keep the sexual life of the other in check. If my wife is having a consensual sexual relationship with someone else, I don’t see why I should have the right to stop her. If it’s an occasional thing and it’s not affecting our love, our time together, or our family life, then I actually see it as something that could be complementary to our relationship rather than a threat. The whole stigma around extramarital sex is either something we’ve been socially conditioned to feel or maybe it’s biologically inherent in most of us, who knows? But I do think that, as humans, we can imagine a way of living in the future that’s based on real love, care, understanding, and compassion rather than just attachment and possession. Monogamous marriages will always exist and that’s fine, but the stigma around having sex outside of marriage needs to go.

At the same time, monogamy isn’t just an arbitrary societal rule. Evolutionary psychology suggests that it may have developed as a strategy to ensure paternal certainty, reduce conflict, and maintain social cohesion. Studies show that humans are not naturally strictly monogamous, but rather socially monogamous with tendencies toward serial monogamy and occasional polygamy. In many cultures, monogamy became the dominant model because it ensured stability and balanced resource distribution. But that doesn’t mean it’s the only valid approach in a well functioning economically stable democracy. If extramarital relationships can exist within a stable framework that doesn’t harm the primary relationship, there’s no fundamental reason to oppose them other than tradition and personal preference. That being said, I get that men are statistically way more likely to cheat than women, so if we’re being real, this kind of argument would mostly just benefit men. And to balance things out, at least for now, I’d personally choose not to have extramarital sex as a man but leave the option open for my wife.

While I see extramarital relationships as something that doesn’t necessarily pose a threat, power dynamics within relationships can complicate things. What if my wife forms a deeper emotional bond with someone else? What if external relationships slowly shift attention and emotional energy away from our marriage? These are valid concerns, and they highlight why open relationships must be structured with clear communication and boundaries. If one person starts investing more in an outside relationship, it can create an imbalance that leads to emotional drift. To prevent this, couples need to set rules that ensure the primary relationship remains the priority. Firstl, couples operate under a “primary first” rule, ensuring that external relationships do not interfere with time, love, or shared responsibilities. Secondly, they opt for full transparency, regularly discussing how they feel about the arrangement. The key isn’t to suppress emotions but to engage with them honestly. The moment a partner dismisses the other’s discomfort with a “well, we agreed to this, so why does it matter?” attitude, the relationship starts deteriorating. The issue isn’t extramarital sex itself, but how it’s handled emotionally.

One of the biggest challenges in this kind of arrangement is navigating emotions like jealousy, insecurity, and attachment, which are deeply wired into human psychology. Even those who rationally accept open relationships may struggle with visceral emotional reactions. Oxytocin and vasopressin, hormones associated with bonding, play a major role in pair bonding behaviors. This means that even if we intellectually believe in an open model, our biology might still push us toward feelings of possessiveness or self doubt. Instead of pretending these emotions don’t exist, an effective approach would be to acknowledge them and work through them. Regular reassurance, open dialogue, and emotional check ins become even more crucial in non monogamous relationships than in monogamous ones. This isn’t about indulging insecurity but recognizing that emotional responses don’t always align with intellectual beliefs, and that’s okay.

Beyond the emotional aspect, practical considerations must also be addressed. How does an open marriage function in everyday life? Should there be guidelines about when and how external relationships happen? Should there be restrictions on certain people, such as colleagues or close friends, to avoid unnecessary complications? What if one partner starts developing deeper feelings for an external partner? These are not trivial questions. A relationship model that doesn’t take logistics into account is bound to fail. This is why open relationships require more intentional communication than monogamous ones. There need to be ongoing discussions to reassess how both partners feel, whether boundaries need to shift, and whether the arrangement is still working. Without this, even the most rationally sound relationship model can collapse under the weight of unspoken emotions.

If the stigma around extramarital sex disappears, the question becomes: What replaces it? Should society embrace open relationships as a default, or should they simply be accepted as a valid option alongside monogamy? One possibility is that monogamy remains the norm, but non monogamy is destigmatized so that couples can openly choose the structure that works for them. Another possibility is that relationship structures become flexible, with couples defining their own terms rather than assuming monogamy by default. A more radical shift would be a society where traditional monogamy is rare, but that comes with its own set of challenges. If we want to move toward a future where extramarital relationships are seen as neutral rather than immoral, we need to establish a framework that ensures fairness, emotional stability, and clear communication rather than simply discarding monogamy without an alternative.

This isn’t me endorsing some kind of reckless, mindless sex outside of marriage. It’s more about having the option for emotional connections outside of marriage, like side characters in a story that don’t take away from the importance of the main character. And even if my wife and I both agree on this kind of mutual approach, I think it’s still important to acknowledge that feelings of insecurity and discomfort don’t just magically disappear. Like, if I feel uneasy about it, that feeling is real, and just because I don’t think extramarital sex is inherently immoral doesn’t mean I won’t struggle with it emotionally. That’s the key thing here, if my wife were to completely dismiss my feelings and act like nothing happened, it wouldn’t be the sex itself that ruins the relationship, but the lack of understanding. If she just brushes it off like “oh well, it’s not a big deal, we already understand that, don’t we?” then we’re not having an open, honest discussion, and that’s what would actually lead to problems. It’s kind of like if you’re a rich person and you decide to give away all your wealth for systemic change to curb inequality because you believe it’s the right thing to do. Even though you know you’re doing something good, you’re still going to feel bad and hesitant about giving up your privileges. And if people around you just say, “Well, you did the right thing, so why are you feeling down?” that totally misses the point. Feelings don’t just go away because something is rationally justifiable. The same thing applies here, if we want marriages to actually work in this kind of setup, we need to acknowledge the emotional weight of it instead of pretending everything is easy and normal. Otherwise, even if the idea itself makes sense, the relationship is doomed.